Kindness and Caregiving 

What does kindness have to do with caregiving? Caregiving is a relationship between two people, both with their own feelings, thoughts and needs. Because of the demands of caregiving, a caregiver often loses sight of the relationship, and caregiving becomes a series of tasks to be accomplished, boxes to be checked on a to-do list. Unlike other relationships in our lives, the relationship between a caregiver and their loved one often lacks reciprocity. A caregiver has the experience of giving, giving, giving, doing, doing, doing without acknowledgement or thanks. Where does kindness come in? 

Caregiving demands kindness and radical empathy… Try to imagine that you have dementia, and in your confusion, you don’t know where you are. The familiar house you have lived in for decades appears strange to you, and you want to go home. You are panicked. Only your long-term memory is intact, and you long for your old room in the house you grew up in. As caregivers, our natural impulse is to say, “Honey, we are home. This is our house that we have lived in since 1986! This is not convincing to a person with dementia. If you came upon a stranger who told you they were lost, and wanted to go home, how would you react? Kindly, with reassurance. You might put your arm around them and tell them that you will help them get home or you might say that you will stay with them and not leave them alone. To respond with kindness and patience each time you are asked “When are we going to go home?” as if this is the first time you are hearing this question. 

There is nothing worse than feeling alone in a marriage. Because of this lack of reciprocity, a caregiver often feels alone, abandoned by their spouse, even though they know if is the illness that is the cause. As friends, neighbors, and family we are called upon to be kind. Anything we can do alleviate the social isolation of a caregiver is welcome. A card, sending flowers on a birthday or holiday, dropping off a meal, shoveling a walk, picking up some groceries, a gift card for house cleaning, taking the dog for a walk, giving a gift of respite, whether it is you offering to spend time with their loved one with dementia or providing an aid for a few hours these random acts of kindness and 10’s of others, can make a huge difference in the life of a caregiver. 

Kindness begets kindness. The kinder you can be to a caregiver, the kinder they will be to their loved one. Caregiving doesn’t take place in a vacuum. Let us create a community of kindness, one act of kindness at a time. If you want more information on how to support the caregivers in your life, contact Allies in Aging 508-808-3263.

AARP.org 

It can be challenging to follow the CDC’s recommendations that encourage older adults to limit their travel and close interactions with other people as much as possible. To many, this translates into staying at home for the duration. For those who were starting to feel as if it was safe to venture out again, the surging infection rates have forced many back into isolation, deepening feelings of loneliness and depression. 

Maintaining social connections is key to maintaining health and well-being. Elder care expert and Director of Allies in Aging JFS Elder Care Solutions Malka Young suggests, instead of social distancing, think physical distancing + social connection. She was recently quoted in the aforementioned AARP blog, a national organization that advocates for older adults. 

During World War II the planting of victory gardens, and the rationing of gas, food, and clothing connected Americans of all ages, classes, and cultures in a shared effort to save these precious resources for soldiers. Now, mask wearing, sheltering in place, washing our hands frequently, and limiting the spread of the virus allows us to connect to neighbors, friends and family no matter where they are. 

Here are 10 actions that you can do every day to keep your spirits up: Call someone* (keep a list of family, friends, neighbors by your phone) 

1. 1. Call someone** (keep a list of family, friends, neighbors by your phone) 
   2. Move your body (CDC recommends 150 minutes of moderate exercise weekly) 
   3. Straighten up one area in your home 
   4. Eat something healthy and stay hydrated 
   5. Get outside 
   6. Get a good night’s sleep 
   7. Limit how much news you listen to (15 minutes 2x/day is more than enough!) 
   8. Name one thing you are grateful for 
   9. Learn something new 
   10. Do something creative (listen to music, bake, make something, etc.) 

**At Call2Talk 508-532-2255 someone is available to listen 24 hours/day/7 days/week. 

For more ideas, read AARP’s article 6 Ways to Overcome Social Isolation During Another COVID Winter. 

Are you or a loved one struggling with social isolation due to the pandemic? Are you worried about managing the coming months amidst the ongoing COVID-19 crisis? Contact Malka Young to learn how a Geriatric Care Manager can assess your concerns, arrange services and provide critical support to ensure that you or your loved ones are safe and cared for during the coming months. 

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“When talking with my friend Linda the other day, she commented that she feels more alone when she and I talk over Zoom than she does when we just speak on the phone. “Somehow, talking on the phone just seems more normal…”, she said.  

My friend Linda has never married. She hadn’t planned to be alone at age 75, but here she is. These past 10 months alone in her condo have really shown Linda that she is on her own. Linda is part of the more than 20% of older adults in the U.S. who do not have a family caregiver available in case they become ill or incapacitated.

The changes Linda has had to make because of the pandemic will help her as she grows older. She now has her medications and groceries delivered. She’s set up automatic online bill payments for all her regular bills so she can skip the trip to the post office. With no other distractions, she has started to declutter her apartment; getting rid of clothes she doesn’t wear anymore, giving away books she’s already read, and in many ways simplifying her life. 

Before the pandemic, Linda went to the gym most days, was part of a book group and had weekly Friday morning coffees with a past colleague. She feels she has had a preview of what her life might be like if she were to become sick or incapacitated and unable to leave her house.

Things she has not figured out yet:

• Who should be her emergency contact?
• Who will be her health care proxy? Durable Power of Attorney?
• Who would care for her if she needed help?
• How can she build her social network, so she does not feel so isolated?

But, Linda is not alone. The experienced care managers at Allies in Aging JFS Elder Care Solutions can help her plan for her future. A year ago, staying at home for 10 months would have been unimaginable. Now Linda thinks about her future and wants to be ready for anything. I am confident she will!

Contact us and get support today! 

Are your parents okay? How are they doing? If I were writing this blog last year, I would have given you this checklist to use when checking in with your parents:

1. Check the car for dents and scratches
2. Open the refrigerator and check if food is fresh and in-date
3. The sniff test–are there any bathroom or mildew odors?
4. Has the mail piled up?
5. Are there any signs of poor hygiene?

But how can you know that Mom and Dad are okay when you can’t visit? What can you tell over the phone or a Zoom call?

Technology can be useful to check on parents and gives you alternate ways to communicate

Do your parents answer the phone? Do they call back when you leave a voicemail? Establish a calling routine (weekly, daily, every other day, etc.).These do not have to be long calls, but it is important to check in and establish a pattern of regular communication with your elderly parents.

If your parent uses Zoom–pay attention to their background, appearance and hygiene, and how they are dressed–do you notice anything unusual? Are your parents wearing hats and gloves while inside or are they wrapped in blankets? Is there clutter everywhere? If you notice these things, you may need to call a neighbor or even the local police to arrange a wellbeing visit if you are concerned.

Pay attention to inclement weather conditions. You may need to arrange to have your parents’ driveway shoveled, to hire a dog-walker, or to have groceries delivered. An electrician can check their generator before the next snowstorm.

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Are you a snowbird who normally travels south in the winter for warmer temperatures? If so, check out this AARP article for tips on how to prepare your home, car, and more for the cold weather this season!